Filling time (Updated)

It should noted that I'm not a fan of my work place. Its typically cold, full of people not close to my age group, boring, and requires me to transfer the phones so I can use the restroom. I'm not a fan. And yet I have five months left of it. Five...months...

I urged a friend* to not get an office job. "It'll take your soul away...it's slowly killing me". Instead she's a hostess at a hyped up restaurant.

And here I am...trying to fill time at a job I'm not a fan of.

One can only hope for word from PC for a certain amount of time. The excitement and anticipation can only last so long. It comes and it goes. Waiting for medical clearance was a daily anxiety up until week 10 of waiting. At that point it was more of wonder. "I wonder if they even have my file. I wonder if I'll ever get cleared. I wonder if I'm not healthy enough." I felt almost ambivalent. Today I hit that with hearing anything from placement. Weeks of anticipation and constantly checking my email for an auto reply from PC has moved me to mere mediocrity. Do I want to hear something? Yes. Will I be excited when I do? Yes. But I'm not eagerly awaiting anything. It'll come but I figure it will be awhile.

On the * note.

This will probably be a big rant about my frustrations with Peace Corps. Not any individual person and probably just me complaining about life and Peace Corps just happens to be in my life. So nothing against the organization at all.

I gave up a job to work for a State Senator. I gave up an opportunity to live in Florida. I gave up an opportunity to teach in Florida. I gave up an opportunity to live with my best friend. All because of the uncertainty in Peace Corps process. Would I do it again? In a heart beat. I want it that much.

But this part bugs me, and its mainly MY beef with myself. I truly like someone again. It's been awhile. I've been a bit...standoffish? cold? ambivalent?...about the opposite sex. Especially romantically. So to have those feelings again is weird and a bit confusing. Granted its not a huge thing or will be (who really knows right?). It just sucks that I have in my mind this doubt of even going on dates because of the Peace Corps. I have this one friend who told me not to apply for a job because "you're leaving in like six months...why bother?" I really don't like their advice because it tends to be the same but its true. I don't want to start something I can't reasonably finish. I can't start a relationship only to leave. That would break my heart, and possibly theirs..again...who knows?

Its just weird really. Fate and karma are two twisted bed fellows. That ends my rant.

Updated on Wednesday: I thought "five months is a long time without giving it a shot with someone". But five months to gain something and leave it isn't. I don't know if anyone can ever understand my decisions, especially in this regard, but I don't get into something lightly. I'm in it until the end. Especially with relationships. So there's another thing I gave up.