At odds

Growing up my dad's parents would have big family gatherings on holidays or special occassions. My cousins would show up with their kids and it would be a great thing. The big table was for the "important adults" or mainly the old ones and typically the first kid and their spouse. The next table had the rest of the adults and then the small table was for the kids. I hated the small table. I wanted to sit with my parents. When my great uncle passed away and a couple cousins stopped showing, the tables became two. I still hated the table. Gatherings became smaller and smaller over the years. The table became one, unless there were guests. I remembered the first time I got to be at the big table. I hated it. And to be honest I still do. I'm not seen as an equal. Just the grandson. Few people could actually float between the tables. Once in awhile it would be my aunt or my mom who would trek over to the kids. But they would always return to their table. I never feel comfortable because I was never seen as an equal. How could you?

My family has an odd nobility to it. My great grandfather had lots of children and ruled over them with tenderness, compassion, and a stubborness that he wore with pride. He led the family. What is it called patron familias? My grandfather and his brother (the other brother lived far away) did the same with his family. They shared their influence at all the family reunions. All of the family looked at them as the head of the house. When my great uncle died my grandfather took the throne so to speak. Which elevated me a lot. From the blonde haired youth that everyone noticed to "the next one". My dad isn't a moron or an idiot but he doesn't care. He cares about keeping the roof over the head, not giving advice or taking claim to head of the family. Heck my cousins don't care either. None of them have a pride about them. They aren't knee deep in giving. My grandfather and his brother had that. They both served in World War II and brought back a worldliness about them. And maybe its just me...but I want that. I want that patron familias. I want that worldliness about me. The Peace Corps is it for me. I'd rather help build a house than shoot someone. Personal choice really.

But I sit at the middle table. Not having accomplished it and not even started. In fact I feel uncomfortable talking to those that have finished their service and even more uncomfortable talking to those that know where they are going. They have stories of "oh I've talked to this person in my group" or "I can't wait to visit this place". I have no spite for them but I lack the care at the moment. Good for them. But while they dance in their joy of knowing I sit and wait. I sit and wait with a weighted heart. All the time I wonder where I'll go. What I'll do. What I will become. And yet I feel at ease talking to those that are serving. They know what its like to be waiting...to wonder...to have no idea what to tell anyone. They don't offer pity or sympathies. They offer stories and advice. I am much obliged to them for that. And yet...I wait.