Re-Evaluation

Yesterday was a rather "not great" day for the most part. Or so I thought.

Going to work when you know that in a month you'll be headed to live in another country for two years just bites. I mean it gives me little to no motivation to give 110%. Heck it doesn't give me motivation to give 60%. But alas I go and still give atleast 85%. I can't really measure it. Heading into lunch I was determined to attend Ash Wednesday.

This is where my normal day would be just grand. Mass at work. Sounds good. We had to sit in the balcony but were able to move down lower after ashes were delivered. Who was caddy corner (thats diagonal to those not in the midwest) from me? The love of my life.

...okay so she's not the love of my life. But she definitely WAS the love of my life...even though I never directly told her. Plus it doesn't help that she married a "gay guy" (his homosexuality is contested but many of us firmly believe that he is in fact gay and will come out one day). I ignored her presence. I've not talked to her in atleast a year. She caught me though. At the end of the service I bolted. In retrospect I feel ashamed of bolting and not trying to rekindle my friendship with this great person.

It all came down to the guy. I've never liked him. So the day was blah. Then I had dinner with my friend Laura. Laura and I had a good dinner and caught up a fair amount and in general had a nice time. But the convo turned to said individual and it was nice to hear that my impressions of him were coming out of her mouth and that she knows it was said by more than her and others. Yay? Not that I despise him...just bitter folks. A little bitterness is okay. I mean thats why I like dark chocolate.

But it brought up a big thing, experience. See this guy acts like he's better than others and doesn't recognize the help that he's been given. He ignores it or puts a blind eye to it. He talks himself up and the story just keeps going back to him. I hated that...still do.

I've compared myself to him on so many occassions. And part of me was just thinking "ha! I'm doing the Peace Corps you greedy and selfish American!" And then I felt bad...how bad? Bad bad. Like I should put myself in the corner for a good week to feel less guilty for those thoughts. I've been assured those thoughts are not uncommon.

In reality it made me re-evaluate not only my reasonings for the Peace Corps but what I want to do with life. Actually the entire convo with Laura put my life into perspective. I'm a good guy. Hey it's hard to come to that conclusion when you keep thinking about other things. Today I actually FELT grown up. Going to Starbucks and getting a latte, although not uncommon, it made me realize that in about a month I'll be walking around Ukraine. It made me feel...fresh. Like it's a new shot at things. Completely new surrounding and a new opportunity to experience life.

I'm not just doing the Peace Corps to be altruistic, none of us are really, but owning up to that made me feel better. I'm getting trained to speak another language, two years of living in another culture (which will MAJORLY boost my resume), volunteering my life (again...major boost), AND I get to help! How lucky am I?!?! I mean afterwards I'll just have to put down "PC Volunteer in Ukraine" and so many more jobs will open up to me. Hell I might be able to work overseas. Which is my dream.

Thinks are just starting to fall in place and for once I can notice it.